The Tekken Breakfast Club
by Joneleth Proficticus
Summary: Spoof inspired by the incoherent game plot and other fanfics. PG13 for crude humor and drug use.


The Tekken Breakfast Club

Heihachi Mishima scowled at the miscreants before him. Bad enough that his own grandson was in detention, _his_ detention, but worse yet was the other college kids assembled before him. 

Lounging lazily on the library's sole recliner, his legs over the side, was that obnoxious Korean boy Hwaorang. The insolent little punk was even smoking, which was expressly forbidden within school grounds. Heihachi considered calling the Tekken Force in to beat the ever-living crap out of the orange-haired street tough, but figured that Marshall Law would be unhappy with that. 

Law, having been unemployed for some time due to his chronic drinking problem, had finally found a job as a superintendent at the local university. A strict private school on an island just off the Japanese mainland, it had many internal laws and its fair share of problems and smuggling as well. Law's old friend whiskey had come a-callin' and landed him in jail for a few nights, and his one phone call had been to Heihachi to find a substitute superintendent for a few days. Since Law had set Heihachi up with his new dominatrix, Nina, he owed the guy a favor or two and was happy to oblige. 

So Heihachi decided against violence and instead turned to look over the other students.

Julia Chang was sitting at a desk, completely absorbed in the 'earth crystal' before her. Beads, hemp strands, and carved wooden totems lay scattered around her. She was even burning incense. Heihachi suppressed a chuckle, thinking "what a head case". She was studying biology and wanted to get a degree in environmental chemisty so she could 'heal the earth'. Her attempt to recapture her American Indian heritage was highly amusing to the corporate robber baron before her. It was even funnier when you realized that she had been adopted. Heihachi smirked as he envisioned her hugging trees and squirrels while his corporate acquisitions slashed and burned the entire Brazilian rainforest behind her. Speaking of Brazil, Eddy Gordo, the Brazilian exchange student, was doing pushups in the aisle, his dreadlocks falling behind his head to the floor with each push. He was six-foot four, and totally obsessed with fitness. He excelled at Phy-Ed, but sucked at everything else, although Heihachi had heard he was quite the hit at parties as well. 

That prissy, annoying little Ling Xiayou was staring at Jin with a dreamy expression, cradling her head in her hands and blowing bubbles with her gum, which she was chewing disinterestedly. At least she was good looking. Now if only her mouth would stay shut, though Heihachi. The little harlot was wearing a plaid skirt about half the mandatory school length (which Heihachi, being a pervert and a Japanese citizen, was fine with) and had her hair in ponytails that accentuated her mosquito-like annoyingness. 

As lastly Heihachi's eyes came to rest on his grandson Jin, who was studying his Calculus diligently. The boy was such a disappointment. He was a good fighter, but his heart wasn't in it. Besides being a demon-possessed walking time bomb, he was a complete social misfit. He didn't relate well to anyone, despite being very handsome, and would never make a good heir to the Mishima Foundation. Heihachi felt disgust welling up within, "Look at his ridiculous haircut!" he thought. The boy was also completely oblivious to Ling's affections as well, causing Heihachi to conclude that Jin was flamingly gay. 

"Children. Your detention is beginning. Hwaorang, remove that cigarette before I pound you into a pulp… and if you don't put out that incense Ms. Chang, I'm going to make you eat it."

Hwaorang smirked and put the cigarette out on his palm, then flicked the butt into the hood on the back of Jin's jacket, drawing a disapproving look and a wrinkled up nose from Ling. Julia jumped and doused her censer, waving a hand back and forth to dissipate the smoke. Eddy continued doing pushups. 

"I'll be down the hall. If I hear any noise from this room at all you'll learn of the wrath of the Mishima family. I expect you to study, read, or sleep. Lunch will be at noon and no breaks will be given until then. Behave or I'll break your face."

As Heihachi turned to leave, Ling stuck out her tongue at him and waited for him to leave the room before speaking. 

"Geez Jin, your grandpa is such a total jerk. How can you stand him?"

Jin continued reading with only a slight shift of the eyes to acknowledge her question. Hwaorang stood up and stretched, then walked over to them.

"Kazama could learn a lot from him. He's not a wuss. Jin-Jin obviously takes after his pansy father instead." 

At this Hwaorang began a limp-wristed run in imitation of Jin and Kazuza, culminating in winglike gestures. 

"Look at me! Fairy Jin! Flutter! Flutterness! A-flut, a-flut!" he said in a high pitched voice as he danced on one leg and batted his eyes at the ceiling.

Ling screamed "SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!".

Julia looked up, "The fairies are not to be mocked, and they told me your karma is bad. So go be noisy somewhere else so you don't drag down my karma too."

"Jin-Jin doesn't even know what karma means, babe. And my karma has to be bad, to make up for me being so good in bed – YEEOW!" he punctuated this yell with a stabbing motion with the hips.

"Oh gross" said Julia and Ling in unison. 

"What, you know you want me. Hey Pocahontas, why don't we go in the back room and I'll show you my John Smith."

Julia looked away and began chanting some hindu meditative prayer while Hwaorang burst into laughter. Ling glared at him murmuring something about death and Eddy got up from his push-ups with a chuckle. 

"Give-a the girl break mon. We don want Heihachi back in here so joo need ta be more quiet. Go smoke or somethan" said Eddy.

"That is a helluva good idea cocoaboy."

At this Hwaorang produced a cigarette and lit up, sitting up on the table behind him and putting his right foot on the table. He propped his elbow on his raised knee and began casually blowing smoke directly at Julia. 

Ignoring the smoke, Julia looked over at Eddy with a smile and clasped her hands.

"Thank you brother, and how is your stay in our great country for you so far? Do you miss your friends the trees and birds of Brasil?"

She pronounced Brazil "Brah-SEEL" and raised both eyebrows on the second syllable, much to Eddy's displeasure. 

"It all right here, but much colda, so I gotsa warm up by dancin' tha night away."

Ling looked up "Ooh fun! Lets dance here! Show me some moves!"

"Alright, you got it, it's time for Disco Tiger!"

'Tiger' pushed the play button on his 'ghetto blaster' he had brought expressly for this purpose and began dancing to 'funky town'. Ling got up and started dancing too.

"Yeah! Fun! Whee! I like to dance!"

Eddy 'Tiger' Gordo was now breakdancing great as Ling looked on and clapped. Even Jin had put down his calculator and was watching with a grin. Julia got up and was doing some flowing hippie pseudo-earth-love dance with a crystal in one hand and a live frog in the other, humming a totally discordant tune arhythmically. Hwaorang rolled his eyes, then, as if possessed of a sixth sense, set his cigarette in front of Jin, grabbed a book, and sat down pretending to read it just as Heihachi burst through the door. 

"GORDO!" he roared, startling everyone but Julia, who was praying to the 'principle of opposition'.

Eddy shut off the player and sat down quickly, followed by Ling. Heihachi's eyes saw the cigarette in front of Jin, and before he could stem the impulse, he had crossed the room and picked up his grandson by the lapel of his jacket, lifting him clean off the floor. 

"Are you smoking Kazama?"

"No sir." Jin quietly replied, his eyes flicking to the chuckling Hwaorang. 

Heihachi figured it out and set Jin down then, grabbing the cigarette himself and confiscating the rest of Hwaorang's pack, then the boombox. He strode out of the room in a furious temper and slammed the door behind him. Julia was now kneeling and praying or chanting towards the sky. 

"Holy crap are you guys dumb!" exclaimed Hwaorang, laying his head in his hands and laughing. 

"Did you seriously think he wouldn't hear that?"

"Shut up mon."

"Hey Gordo, check this out."

Hwaorang tiptoed quietly over in front of Julia and stood directly before her, then placed his hands on his hips and thrust his pelvis out while gazing majestically towards the imaginary horizon. 

Julia, with eyes closed, muttered quietly "I sense a presence."

"And I sense you're praying to my crotch."

"OH!" Her eyes shot open and disgustedly covered her mouth and then ran off. "YUCK! GROSS! I HATE YOU!" she screamed off as Hwaorang fell to the floor laughing loudly. 

"May the demons of Ixpah smite you!"

Hwaorang just laughed harder as she returned and started kicking at him. 

"I curse you with the curse of obsidianism!"

This went on for several minutes. Eddy and Ling looked on with disgusted looks as Julia berated and tried hit Hwaorang, who dodged the thrown books and fists easily while continuing to laugh uncontrollably. 

Finally she came and sat down again muttering about "what a jerk" and "planet loves me" and so forth while Hwaorang cleaned up the mess she made, as he didn't want to get in any trouble himself. She crossed her arms and hid her face in them on the table. Ling spoke up.

"Just like, ignore him Julia. He's a totally insensitive jerk and he smells bad too. Like smoke and bee-oh. Total grossness. His daddy probably beats him and that's why he's a jerk." Jin spoke without looking up.

"Hwaorang's father is dead."

"And like, he's totally just a felon head anyway. He's like into dope and stuff. He's probably high right now."

"…earth mother… (sniff) Spirits forgive me for hating… (sniff)"

"Whadjoo say mon?"

"…father wind…"  
"And he never bathes either I bet and like has never even heard of colonge cuz he's a stinky poop head…"

"I said Hwaorang's father is dead" said Jin, looking up from his book and meeting Eddy's eyes. 

"Joo seereeus mon?"

"…he's totally stinky."

"Yes." Jin looked sideways at Ling and said in unison with her.

"Totally."

Ling and Julia looked at Jin and Eddy, who were eyeing Hwaorang. 

"So dats whya he all in our face and fightin and all?"

Jin shrugged. "I don't know. Ask him."

"Yo! Hwaorang! Who your daddy!"

Hwaorang turned and jumped over the low bookshelf and reached across the table to grab Eddy by the cuff and pull him across the table.

"Don't you EVER talk about my father."

"Jes chill mon, you canna take me anyway."

"Oh don't bet on that Gordo. You may have your rich daddy pay for training for you, but I've fought on the street with more punks and weapons that you've even seen. So just shut up and enjoy your cocaine-funded high lifesty…"

But at that Eddy swung and hit Hwaorang on the side of the head, rearing back for another as Hwaorang lifted up and kicked off him, breaking the two apart and knocking Eddy back into his chair.   
"Ima gonna keel you!"

"Oh bring it little rich boy. I've served in the Korean military and police force and you're just a fat lazy plantation kid."

"Dat is eet mon!"

Eddy jumped over the table with a somersault while throwing a kick, which Hwaorang dodged and fell into his fighting rhythm, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Jin looked up.

"Sit down you two."

They glared at each other. Then a low growling rumble drew their eyes to Jin and both swore they thought the red tattoo on Jin's head flash. Was it a tattoo?

"Sit. Down."

"Yeah, Kazama's right coke-head. We don't want father time back in here yelling at us." 

"Shut up Hwaorang. We'll settle this later."

"Oh relax man, here have a cigarette."  
"I don smoke."

"Well I don't have any co-cay-een-ah with me, so take it or leave it."

"No thanks."

An uneasy silence descended on the room and the five didn't speak for the next few hours. Jin studied, with Ling at his side, occasionally rubbing his back which he allowed. Julia worked on her bracelets and hemp necklaces, while Eddy worked out just behind her. Hwaorang alternated between smoking and sleeping, sighing loudly and swearing with frustration each time he glanced at the clock. Finally Heihachi opened the door and stuck his head in. 

"Little ones. It is lunch time. You may retrieve and eat your lunch. Clean up after yourselves or I'll beat you."

The five of them walked to their lockers to get their food and had returned soon afterwards. Julia of course had brought an all-natural vegan lunch with ingredients from the local natural foods store.

"Mmm. Earth goodness eh babe? Hey, listen, I got some venison and seal blubber I'm willing to trade for that." Said Hwaorang. 

"Shut up jerk. I need wholesomeness to restore my chi."

"Ohhhhhhh."

Hwaorang then inspected Ling's lunch, who was sitting with Julia.  
"And what do we have here? Celery and cucumbers with some seaweed. When you puke it back up, is it still green?"  
"Shut up. I am NOT anorexic."

"I wasn't accusing you of anorexia. I was accusing you of bulimia."

"I'm not that either. I'm just healthy. Go away because I HATE YOU, YOU JERK!!!"

Eddy had two footlong subs in front of him, causing Hwaorang's eyebrows to shoot up before going to sit down. He noticed Jin eating what looked like a very rare cut of meat and decided not to say anything. 

"So what does your daddy make for your bag lunch?" Ling directed at Hwaorang.

"MREs, hoe."

"Em are whats?"

"Military rations. Did you forget? I'm in the SKAS. Fighting for freedom for people like you from the oppressive dictators of the world. And don't talk about my father."

Everyone ate in silence, though more than once Eddy thought he heard Jin growl as he tore off pieces of meat. Eddy was done first and sauntered over to help Julia and Ling with theirs. Julia was happy to talk about how wholesome and healthy each thing was and offered Eddy all kinds of things before she caught on that he was simply going to eat it all, regardless of nutritional value. 

After eating, the girls went to go sit on the couches and Eddy and Jin followed. 

"I know! Lets talk! Oh goody!" said Ling.

Jin sighed. Eddy was drumming on his knee and grooving away. 

"Lets talk about the plight of the spotted owl" said Julia. 

"BOR-ING!" shouted Ling, as her head made a shoulder-to-shoulder motion, then said "Tee hee, sorry."

"Owls are fascinating creatures, not boring."

"Like, why is the couch moving? Eddy! Can't you sit still for like one second?"

"Nope."

"Er, why not?"

"I feel da groove at all times little lady."

"Okay, I guess that's totally cool with me, because you can dance and stuff. Jin! Would you put that book down! Let's talk about something!" At this time Hwaorang walked over.

"I know, let's talk about you having a huge sexual fascination with me."

"Whatever! I think it's totally obvious that it's the other way around! I mean you're the one who keeps bringing it up!"

"Oh yeah, if that's so why did you wear that ultra short skirt then head straight to the couch? Just admit it, you want me."

"No! I do not!"

"Admit it. Also, while you're at it, admit that Kazama is gay and wants me too."

"Oh for gross! No no no!" Ling covered her ears and shook her head from side to side as if trying to clear the image. 

"She so right mon," said Eddy, who was now bouncing his knee and tapping his hand, "you inta both her an Julia."

"Threesome eh? Sounds fine with me. Let's go ladies."

"AAAAHHH!"

"SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!!"

"You're sick Hwaorang," said Jin.

"Damn straight Kazama. Hey welcome back to real life. Is that book as good as looking up Ling's…" before he could finish he had to duck the book Ling threw at him.

"DIE! I HATE YOU!"

"Settle down Ling," said Jin, and Ling looked at him for a bit then relaxed. 

"Yeah, no kidding girl, I'm just trying to rile you up. Why are you straights here in detention anyway? For me it's a given." 

"Dancing in the hallway."

Eddy smiled. Jin said nothing and looked away. Julia spoke next. 

"For beating up that horrible Steve Fox who was put five pounds of veal in my locker over break. What a complete neanderthal!" she slammed her fist onto her book as she said this. 

"Ha ha ha! That's great Julia!" Julia glared at Hwaorang as he continued, "I knew I liked Steve for some reason. How 'bout you Ling?"

"I skipped my anger management session" she pouted.

"You have to take anger management classes? HA HA HA! That's so appropriate!"

"AH! DIE YOU…!" 

"Calm yourself earthsister. I will teach you the path of enlightenment through mediation which is the true path to inner peacefulnessism."

"YOU CAN LIKE TAKE YOUR EARTH CRAP AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR…"

Jin then silenced the room by shouting loudly, and the voice seemed to cut through the air and go straight to the hearts of all present with a growl or a howl… 

"LING!"

She stopped in mid sentence and looked down at the floor. Julia and Eddy looked at each other with wide eyes. Hwaorang was first to speak.

"Dang, maybe you should have Kazama give you those sessions, he's the one bottling up the demon…"

"Shut up Hwaorang."

"Would you really Jin?"

"No Ling, I wouldn't."

"Fine then!"

"Ooh, spicy!"

"Ohhm paaahhhh ohhmmm…"

"Would everyone please shut up?"

"I think Julia should lead us in meditation" said Hwaorang.

Everyone stared at Hwaorang with a look of total shock. 

"I'm serious. We need to chill out."

All the raised eyebrows then turned to face Julia, who looked the most shocked of them all. 

"Well, um, okay I guess I can do that."

For ten minutes she explained the art of meditation and no-mind to the others, and all of them looked on, but none as intensely and seriously as Hwaorang, much to the utter amazement of all present. 

"Okay, Ling, why don't you try first."

"Ohm mana ohm paahhhhhh."

"Very good! Do you feel relaxed."

"Um, I guess?"

"You try Eddy! And stop bouncing your leg, if you don't quit moving you'll never relax properly!"

"Ohhm ohhm ohhm."

"Jin?"

Jin was deep in trance and didn't answer. 

"Okay, well Hwaorang how about you try."

"Ohm. Ohm ohhm Jinnnn. Jinnnn isssss gayyyyyy."

He was interrupted by the several large books hitting him thrown by Ling and Julia.

"You jerk! You did all that just to get in one insult! I can't believe you!"

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

"The spirits are very offended!"  
"DIE YOU BASTARD CHILD!"

Hwaorang was rolling on the floor now laughing his head off. In one way or another, the afternoon was rolling past.

Just then the janitor came in to get the garbage, hiding his face with his hat and Jin looked closely and then his eyes lit up. 

"Forrest? Forrest Law?"

The man looked up to reveal that he was a young man with a shocking resemblance to Bruce Lee. 

"What the hell are you doing here?"  
"I… uh… work here, Jin."

At this Hwaorang burst into laughter. 

"HAHA! That's great Forrest. From international tournaments to janitorial work. Hey, whatever you have to do to get closer to your lover Jin-Jin, right?"

"I knew your father worked here after his dojo went under, but weren't you a student at UCLA?"

"Well, I lost my scholarship and got suspended… so uh. My dad got me this job as a temporary thing."

"Hot damn! Suspended! When did you bother trying to be cool Law! Was it liquor just like your old man? Julia's big on firewater too, you two should shack up!"

"Hex on you!" shouted Julia. 

"Back atcha Sackajawheeeah!"

Law and Jin ignored Hwaorang. Law looked over.

"Good to see the rest of you. Its been a while since the tournament."

"Yeah you can tell by how much weight Ling's put on. I think she might be pregnant with my child," said Hwaorang musingly. Ling was in a better mood due to the unexpected arrival and managed to suppress her urge to shout "KILL" at Hwaorang. Julia glared at Hwaorang. 

"Hi Forrest, don't worry, school isn't all it's cracked up to be anyways. Most of the students are just here to learn how to ruin mother earth and waste their parent's heritage."

Ling stuck her tongue out at Hwaorang, then said "Yeah, and Hwaorang is such a pain, being in his classes is like being back in kindergarten."

"Haven' seen ya since tha last match mon. Paul really hammered you out too hard on that one. The guy is a crazy psycho I tell ya. No sportsmanship. You fought with honor at least"

"Yeah, thanks Eddy. I took it pretty hard I guess. That was really my first loss. You know, I never did find out who won the tournament, since I got knocked out and when I woke up I was back in California."

"Well, mon, Paul was the one who officially won, but there was one last challenga, and only a one guy could take him."

"What the hell you talking about Gordo?" asked Hwaorang. "Paul Phoenix won. He won cuz he was a badass and you know it. There was no other challenger."

"Yes there was Hwaorang. The Ogre. Whodya think killed that crazy freak Bryan Fury who knocked your ass out? And Lei has been missing ever since too mon."

"BS man!" shouted Hwaorang.

"I saw Ogre too," said Julia "he was something… from beyond."

"But you didn't answer my question Eddy. Who won?"

"Jin beat Ogre."

"BS MAN!" shouted Hwaorang.

"YOU ARE BS YOU LITTLE TAEKWON!"

"I'LL KICK YOUR ASS…!!!"

Jin stood up and electricity crackled on his arms. 

"I did beat the Ogre. Paul and I drew the last match but he was given a technical victory. But he didn't show for the final match. So I fought the Ogre."

Just then the door opened and Heihachi strode in with a dozen well-armed Tekken Force members. 

"Sorry Children, but your little conversation has come to an end. We have a great surprise for you. Now, if you'd be so kind, my troops will escort you to the helicopter. We have a 4th King of Iron Fist tournament to attend, sponsored by me, and courtesy of Jins… dear… (Hwaorang: "gay") …FATHER."


End file.
